Sinister Thoughts and Musings

Lost in your touch, scent, taste. Trembling as my hands slide down your body. Hands trembling as they feel your heat. It’s rolling from your skin in waves. Your scent, filling my head, filling my body. Making me ache to feel more, to touch more, and to taste more. It’s never enough. Not to satisfy the craving, to satisfy the need, or to satisfy the want. I am lost in you.

The life in the breath slowly fades It gets smaller and weaker with each exhale The pain of each inhale becomes unbearably painful The remaining thumps of the heart They are slowing down Only a brief few remain A shell, that’s all that is left That inner light that shone so bright... Gone, it’s faded away, leaving just the shell But there is so much attachment to the shell The pains of watching the light fade Unbearable, the over whelming suffocation of grief The light, that traitor light It just left, even though it promised to stay It lied, knew it was a lie but that small part Buried down deep inside so wanted to believe the lie Wanted the light to stay forever But the light left and the shell crumbled Leaving the hope behind, stumbling blindly into the dark Exposed and all alone Screaming in the godless pain of being ripped apart Shattered because the light was the foundation The foundation that grew the hope Made the ...

Burning, aching, and longing just to touch you. You are buried so deep inside me that I can’t dig you out. Every time I close my eyes I see your eyes, hear your voice, smell your skin, taste your lips, and feel you in every inch of me, consuming me whole. But … you’re gone, totally out of reach. Distant. Distant from me and the world. But I want you, god I need you. You laugh and I live. You cry and I die. Wanting to hold you but I can’t. Why? You went away. Why? Because I sent you away. Why? I had to, and damn it, I needed to. Regrets? Oh god, so many I cant breathe. So much pain, it can’t be forgotten. Should it? Maybe you need the pain to live. Forgiveness … impossible to give. Deserved? Hell no, causing pain and suffering can never deserve forgiveness. I loved you but I made you go, had to make you go. That day I died and damn it, I cried until my heart … my soul shattered and bled. Wanted to ...

A look A touch A feeling I want to but I can’t This fear is buried deep This pain travels far Down below the surface of my soul If I could, I would For you, I want too Walk away from this fear Towards the light that is you But I can’t The fear is too strong The pain too deep Chase me I want to be caught Just by you Don’t let me go Hold me tight Calm my fears Let me put my trust in you I hope I am choosing right When I put my trust in you Because to be wrong Would be the worst thing of all

It comes. I can feel it. Spreading everywhere. Taking over … Consuming, caressing, and intensifying Everything I feel. Darkness. It eats me whole and leaves me raw. The power of it holding me down, Making it impossible to breathe. Where do I end and it begins? Is there a difference? I don’t think so. It’s gone on for so long that it’s taken over me. Light? Killed, maimed, and lost … To weak to survive what’s inside. Did it have a chance? God I wish it did, Because then I would have won the battle. Not going to happen. To weak, lost, scared, Fucked up, and beyond relief. Use to care, what happened? When did I let it win? Why did I let it win? So lost, need to be found. Will you? Please do, if not then fuck it and fuck you. I asked, surprised that I did. Souls. Does anybody have a soul? I don’t think so, they are all gone. Escaped. Lucky them, wish I had thought of that. Damn it! Where is mine? Is it ...

The first chip is the hardest to break Once it’s gone, the rest if the armor Falls free from its resting place But the armor surrounding you Was just an illusion You put it there To make you feel free To make you feel strong Once the illusion is gone The blood flows free Leaving you nothing but An empty shell The panic takes Your breath and Seizes your heart You need the pain to leave If only for a second You would trade your life Just for a moment of peace You crave the armor back Just the illusion of it The illusion is better than The empty reality of nothing The nothing you have left

My YouTube channel ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBb0hYhwX7CFpm8B706Pt6Q ), Twitter account ( @SinisterTandM ), and website ( blog.sinisterthoughtsandmusings.com ). Hello family 💕(and I do mean family, I consider you all to be part of my extended family) Family is important but unfortunately you don't always get the family you need and deserve by blood. Sometimes you have to go out and find them. I want to talk about my family that I got though blood and my chosen family that I got though luck.  I come from a large family but only have a small circle of them in my life, the rest have no idea who I am. I love talking to the ones that I have because they are the keepers of my past. We have a shared bond and memories. They remember and talk about all the crazy stuff that I did as a kid and I love hearing that stuff.  I am my mother's youngest child and my grandmother's youngest grandchild. I am and always will be the baby. A little spoiled and a little (a lot) st...