Sinister Thoughts and Musings

The animal within me wants release. Its demanding … screaming for it. I can’t, oh god I can’t let it out. The animal has a name. Rage. It must be kept locked inside. If released I don’t know what it will do. I fear what it could do. It will either consume me, destroy those around, or may hunt down the one that left. Might do all of it. It seeks revenge. Hungers for vengeance. Vengeance is what it craves. Hate is what it feeds on. I hear it screaming. I taste it. Feel it trembling within me. It wants to punish. In weak moments it enslaves me. It’s craving becoming mine. The thoughts and the anger exhausting my soul. I work so hard to try and control it. It takes all that I am to keep trying. Keep trying … keep fighting. I have to, need to. If I let it loose, I will be gone. Just a shell for the rage to control. Been there, done that before. Don’t want to go back, Can’t go back. I fear i...

I look into your eyes, and I feel it, I feel you. It burns, stings, rejoices. I hate it, I hate you, and oh do I hate me. Why? Damn it why? Saw it coming yet kept moving towards it. Foolish, stupid, idiot. Why? Why would I? Damn you, why would you? I ask, never answered. Yet I ask again, but this time you aren’t here to hear the question. I hate you, god I love you. Why? Damn it why? If I could, would I change it, would I undo it, undo you? That’s the question I ask myself daily. The answer? Still waiting, still no answer. Intense? Is that a sin? Well if it is, then it’s my sin and mine alone. To be alone? Is that the solution? Hurt, tears, lies (mine and yours). Ha, didn’t know that I lied too did you? Well I did, to you, and even worse, to myself. Over and over again. The love, a lie? I don’t know. Maybe … maybe not. One day I may know, I may not. Do I care? Damned if I know. Do I want to care? God yes! Wish I knew how. Scars, so deep they still itch, so raw they still burn. Will t...