Sinister Thoughts and Musings

Trust in me and you will see That you are it for me Take my hand and walk with me I promise that you will be safe with me The damage inside is so plain to see By somebody that has been hurt like me The scars will fade, Just give it time I know they will, It happened with mine I never lie and never cheat Or ever walk away in defeat If you can’t take my hand I will understand Just know and see, That I am here, Waiting patiently You will see how it can be Once you trust in me

The mist is slowly creeping towards me as I sit by the edge of the deep encumbering lake. The light of the full moon, slowly covering me, barely starts to break though the dark menacing clouds to make its presence known. The only sound I hear is the chilling whisper of the bitter wind as it flows over the lake, though me, and on into the trees that are looming just behind me. I need to brace myself for the journey though the foreboding trees that stand between me and that what I desire most. I know that a crossroad awaits me once I reach the middle of those trees. It contains two immensely different paths leading into opposite directions. It is here, in this forbidden place, where I sit with the pain of indecision overwhelming me as I try to make the choice of which path to take. The necessity to choose is undermining everything else in my heart and my head. It feels like I am sinking into a gaping sea of desperation. Not wanting but needing to finally choose which path to take. ...

Touch me. You make me tremble, shatter, and feel whole inside. It holds me back from the abyss. Once there love, hate, happiness, despair will be no more. All feeling gone. Walking though the darkness, seeking the light. The abyss hides, consumes it so well that you could search for an eternity, never finding it. Even those with the souls of the immortals could never find what you seek. The abyss. It makes me tremble, shatter, and feel empty inside. I fear it as much as I fear myself. The fear I have for myself haunts and consumes me. Why do I fear myself? I fear the ability to shut down, to shut off. Stop caring Stop feeling Stop wanting Sometimes it’s the only way to survive. Is it really surviving if you are empty inside? You and the abyss do the same thing to me. You fill me while it empties me. I need you to counteract its ravaging of me, my soul.

The animal within me wants release. Its demanding … screaming for it. I can’t, oh god I can’t let it out. The animal has a name. Rage. It must be kept locked inside. If released I don’t know what it will do. I fear what it could do. It will either consume me, destroy those around, or may hunt down the one that left. Might do all of it. It seeks revenge. Hungers for vengeance. Vengeance is what it craves. Hate is what it feeds on. I hear it screaming. I taste it. Feel it trembling within me. It wants to punish. In weak moments it enslaves me. It’s craving becoming mine. The thoughts and the anger exhausting my soul. I work so hard to try and control it. It takes all that I am to keep trying. Keep trying … keep fighting. I have to, need to. If I let it loose, I will be gone. Just a shell for the rage to control. Been there, done that before. Don’t want to go back, Can’t go back. I fear i...

I look into your eyes, and I feel it, I feel you. It burns, stings, rejoices. I hate it, I hate you, and oh do I hate me. Why? Damn it why? Saw it coming yet kept moving towards it. Foolish, stupid, idiot. Why? Why would I? Damn you, why would you? I ask, never answered. Yet I ask again, but this time you aren’t here to hear the question. I hate you, god I love you. Why? Damn it why? If I could, would I change it, would I undo it, undo you? That’s the question I ask myself daily. The answer? Still waiting, still no answer. Intense? Is that a sin? Well if it is, then it’s my sin and mine alone. To be alone? Is that the solution? Hurt, tears, lies (mine and yours). Ha, didn’t know that I lied too did you? Well I did, to you, and even worse, to myself. Over and over again. The love, a lie? I don’t know. Maybe … maybe not. One day I may know, I may not. Do I care? Damned if I know. Do I want to care? God yes! Wish I knew how. Scars, so deep they still itch, so raw they still burn. Will t...

Lost in your touch, scent, taste. Trembling as my hands slide down your body. Hands trembling as they feel your heat. It’s rolling from your skin in waves. Your scent, filling my head, filling my body. Making me ache to feel more, to touch more, and to taste more. It’s never enough. Not to satisfy the craving, to satisfy the need, or to satisfy the want. I am lost in you.